I’m currently in one of my millions of discussions with myself that take place in my head. Probably because Gigi is crazy working at the moment and I’m doing a gazillion things including organising a wedding, trying to organise Christmas, organising someones 1st birthday, trying to just make sure Rory has a clean and ironed uniform to go to school in everyday (side note to self; buy more than 2 polo tops!) and constantly running alongside all of that, I am trying to work.

I’m at risk now of sounding like a spoilt brat.  I gave up my career a year ago to get on board with Bluebelles which was fine until baby no2 actually arrived and I have since put myself under pressure to DO MORE.  You see unlike with other big cooperations (where the owner isn’t your fiancé) you have your set time off.  You have your keep in touch days if you feel like it and you have your date to go back to work.  I haven’t had this, I have only had my own expectations which I have found super frustrating; I want to earn my money, I want to work but have found getting down to it when the baby ‘has a nap’ the hardest struggle.  If I’m working when the babies napping, when does the washing go on, the floor get swept, the ironing done, the food shopping ordered?  Have I missed something crucial for an entire year? I see these working from home mums who have their own businesses and honestly I hope that to be me one day.  But I’d like to hear them say, “I live in a shit-tip” or something so that I know where I’m going wrong! My own mum, although didn’t work from home, had 2 aged 2 and under, entertained us constantly, saw friends, had a home cooked dinner on the table every night, a spotless house, and there wasn’t even such thing as Tesco online ordering! How in the….  You might think she’s exaggerating a little… she’s not. She’s military. Trust me.

Don’t get me wrong,  I have been muddling along, slowly finding my rhythm and perhaps it’s just that it took a bit longer than I wanted.  I get work done, it’s just now not 8-5 as I’ve always been used to.  It’s when I wake up first thing, or giving up my evenings, or that 5 minutes peace I get to quickly do a post.  The truth is I don’t want a slow inconsistent rhythm anymore, I want fast, up-beat, regular.  However this week marked Huxley’s 1st birthday, Rory is now at full time school and I find myself asking the question to child-care or not to child-care? (and silently think to myself heartless-bitch or not heartless-bitch?)  I have help from my mum regularly but to have that additional set day in the week when I know I don’t have to rely on anyone else sounds so appealing.  The truth is I don’t want a slow inconsistent rhythm anymore, I want fast up beat regular rhythm! So this is my battle;

+1 day a week not having to rely or put pressure on anyone else

+more productive working as set hours

+more money

+developed social skills for Hux

-am I mean for putting my baby into nursery?

-will he hate it?

-will he cry everyday?

-will they look after him?

When Rory was 10 months old I went back to work full-time.  I honestly don’t know how I managed and have complete empathy for those that are also in that boat and even have more than 1 child! As much as I dreaded it I really think it’s good for kids to be around other kids without you there.  Rory has always been quite socially advanced which could be down to being thrown here there and everywhere while I was working away OR it could be just in his nature.  I remember being so impressed that he learnt to sleep and nap somewhere else, and so proud every time I read his daily report that he had eaten all of something he would never eat for me.  I loved hearing about his conversations he had had, developing imaginative play and drawing.  I know that they do all of this with their mamas too but I feel like it’s a big step for them to also begin to feel confident enough to do all of these things without their mamas!  My mum has always done ‘more’ with Rory, going to the extra effort to play, stimulate and educate him constantly.  Again I think at some point it’s so important they feel comfortable enough to be without the security of Nanny.  Maybe even learn to hear someone else say ‘NO’ (and hopefully listen) and most importantly learning to play side by side other babies at the same time.

The funny thing is, I think to back to my old careered self and remember how I would’ve given anything to just be at home with Rory and compare her to my present WAHM (work at home mum) self who is still desperately trying to find that balance.  The grass is greener every time.  As I delve further and further into getting that work time for Bluebelles or embarking slowly but very surely into some sort of birthing vocation, I know that I’m actually a better mama for feeling fulfilled, using my brain and educating myself.  That extra day at a nursery for Hux could allow for much more valued time between us the rest of the week?

Then I look at Huxley’s little elfin face, such baby features still; fluffy hair, gummy/toothy grin, and I wonder whether it’s pushing him too much too early. I want to kiss him and stare at him even more…  And THEN he tries to race past me for the hundredth time (no exaggeration) to the stairs, or throw more food over the high chair while he grins at me, or actually just only eat porridge and I think ‘nah, I’m so ready for someone else to tell you no!’…